Curiosity, Anger & Fear - My Testimony March 7

This Sunday, I was given a few minutes during my church's Sunday morning meeting to share about my journey with God. Below is the text of what I shared.

I feel the need to apologize, as the story I’m about to tell you is unfinished. I wish I had an ending to give you, but I’m afraid that hasn’t happened yet. But while I don’t have an ending, I do have an outline for you. I’d like to tell you about my curiosity, anger, and fear.

First, my curiosity. I grew up in church, and I often felt curious and confused. I didn’t understand how what I learned in church lined up with what I learned in school. As an example, I learned in church that the basis of my relationship with God was faith in what Jesus had done, and not in anything I did. On the other hand, in school, I learned that there was a time in history when Christians believed the exact opposite. I wanted to learn where my faith had come from, and why I believed what I believed. In short, I needed to make my faith my own and, as a result, develop my own relationship with God.

As I graduated high school and started college, I learned to read God’s word for myself and apply it to my life. I soon learned that the Christianity I read about in the Bible and the Christianity I had witnessed growing up were not always the same. The God I met in the Bible was gracious beyond what my sin deserved, loving beyond what I could imagine, and cared for me as an individual. I also learned that God has a specific calling for my life, and that He wants me to follow Him by serving others everywhere all the time, and not just at church on Sundays or at college ministry events. I learned to view all of life as an opportunity to glorify God by serving others.

It was this desire to glorify God by serving others that led me to pursue a career in academia. To do so, I had to take on the greatest challenge of my life: graduate school. For those of you unfamiliar with grad school, imagine, over the course of five years, having all of your dignity, physical health, and sanity slowly stripped away.

Life in grad school was harder than I had thought it would be. I knew my studies would be intellectually challenging, but I didn’t expect them to be so emotionally draining. I learned the pain of facing challenges that I didn’t feel strong enough for. I learned that putting my faith in God doesn’t mean that life will be easy. I felt as though God had brought me to a spiritual mountaintop in college, and then, in grad school, crammed me into a dark dank cell. (And that’s quite literal. My office was about the size of a shoebox.) I was often hurried and under pressure to produce results, and I had little time to reflect on what I was learning or to serve others like I had wanted to. I felt disillusioned with my studies, and was sad at my lack of progress in serving others and sharing Christ with my classmates.

I became angry at God.

I did not want to admit my anger. I felt ashamed. I felt like, if I confessed it, there would be no coming back.

I ended up taking my anger out on Amy. I became uncaring and emotionally unresponsive, except for when I was frustrated. I would yell at her for the silliest things, like leaving dirty clothes on the bed or if she got home late from work. I thought that controlling her would somehow appease my anger.

Finally, late into grad school, I confessed my anger to God and to Amy. I wish I could tell you that as soon as I confessed, the clouds parted, the sun shined down on me, and I felt this heavenly sense of freedom. But that’s not what happened. I wasn’t free from my anger at that moment, but somehow the anger didn’t seem to have nearly the weight that it once did. When I confessed, I felt the freedom to slowly begin to slide out from under it.

As a result, I learned that the world doesn’t end when I confess a huge sin. I learned that God doesn’t return my anger with spite. And I learned that God will take the punches from my anger.

Finally, let me tell you a little about my struggle with fear.

Just before finishing grad school, I learned that I have a heart condition called Mitral Valve Prolapse. The short description is that my heart’s mitral valve shakes every time it closes and my heart often feels as though it’s beating twice as fast as it actually is. It’s very distressing, and I often feel nervous and afraid in response to it.

When I learned that I have this condition, I felt very afraid and fragile, like I might break at the slightest touch. This fear has been a struggle, because in many ways, this condition affects me beyond my control, but at the same time, I need to respond to it as best I can. Dealing with this condition has been a lesson about how I cannot control everything in life, but need to turn to God as I respond to what happens to me. It’s difficult not to become angry at God over this, and He’s been very patient as I’ve learned to live with this condition and struggled with my fear and anger as a result.

So, as I said, I cannot offer you an ending. God is still in the process of developing my trust in Him. In spite of my fear and anger, He remains faithful and gracious to me, and does not treat me as my sins deserve. Because of his love, patience, and forgiveness through Christ, I can learn to depend on Him in all circumstances of life.